MadameNoire
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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex, finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com
Dear Ashley,
I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. In the first year of dating, we were very sexual. Shortly after the first year or so sex declined. To be honest we were never sexually compatible as he likes vanilla sex and I’m quite the opposite. But we were so in love that I didn’t think it would matter. For the past 6 years, sex has became almost obligatory and a rare occurrence. I try to keep it to once a month, or once in two months to feel like a normal married couple. Even on our honeymoon, we only did it once. In hindsight, we should have given this more importance then. We have only had sex once this year. I really do love my husband. I am not sure of what to do. On the bright side, he completely agrees that we have no chemistry. But he says he is okay with that because he loves me so much. He is happy living in a sexless marriage.
I believe that since we are not being romantically and sexually fulfilled by each other, a time will come where we look for that fulfillment outside of our marriage. So I am stupidly waiting for him to do it first because I could never hurt him after everything he’s done for me. We’ve gone to therapy and I even suggested that we live separately to see if that brings back some spark. We have talked about having him try other people. It’s such a difficult situation because we love each other and at least he will be happy. He is against it.
I keep wondering if marriage is supposed to be this way. I have no idea who to ask because I come from a conservative culture and my family will tell me to just suck it up and be happy I found such a kind and handsome man. My friends all tell me he’s such a good person, I should be grateful and not ruin it. I’m so glad we don’t have kids yet. I feel like we should end our marriage now instead of later as we are still young.
Dear Sexless Wife,
Let me preface this by saying, I am not married nor have I ever been, so take this advice with a grain of salt. But get you a new MAN!!! Stop waiting on your husband to cheat as an excuse for you to bounce. You’re unhappy and have been for years, that’s all the out you need! Listen, I get it, you love him but love don’t scratch that itch at night. So you have some decisions to make. Be forever miserable in a sexless marriage or put your happiness FIRST and find new penis. Your husband is okay with your marriage as is–he’s not interested in improving or him dating other people. So what you gone do, sis?
The ball is in your court. How I see it you really only have two options and both involve new peen. Instead of suggesting your husband date someone else, you do it. Find a man that can breaks your back and can go home. Because I believe in ethical non monogamy, being honest about your marital status, feelings and needs with everyone involved keeps drama to a minimum. If you guys decide against an open marriage then the only other option is to LEAVE! Like you said you’re young and you don’t have any kids to consider, which means the only one holding you back from great sex is you.
Also F– them people. If your friends and family like your husband so much, they can marry him. Time out for putting everyone else’s happiness and opinions before yours! If you guys are genuinely friends, it’s possible to remain friends after divorce. Marriage doesn’t have to dissolve your friendship. Your happiness matters and if leaving your husband to find a more fulfilling sexual partner is what is going to make you happy; then baby, as the popular sports chant goes…get your coat, your keys and leave!
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley.
