Dear Ashley: I Gained Weight And My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Sleep With Me

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Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex,  finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

Dear Ashley,

My boyfriend that I’ve lived with for 1.5 years just told me that he “doesn’t find me fully desirable.” This is so disappointing and frustrating because I have finally broken through my COVID depression and have been making changes in my life. I’m going to a gym 2-3 times a week, doing yoga 2-3 times a week, being more mindful about my eating, and experiencing higher libido. 

After being away on a work trip, he turned down my initiations for sex two nights in a row. The next morning he told me that my weight gain has been really bothering him for months and he finally had to get it off his chest. His last girlfriend also gained a lot weight during their relationship and now I feel like he’s projecting his concerns and his own body dysmorphia onto me. Yeah I gained 20 pounds and some stretch marks in 2020, but I accept my body for the journey it’s on.

He shoulda just kept his mouth shut and continued to support me on my fitness journey. I’m extra gutted and feel robbed of my fitness journey because now I feel the pressure to lose weight to feel comfortable in my relationship. Which is so not fair! If he doesn’t fully desire me at my worst then he doesn’t deserve me at my best. 

I’m seeking professional help to get through this because my self-esteem, confidence, and emotional security is tainted. I don’t think he fully realizes how hurtful what he said to me is, although I don’t think he intended it to be so hurtful. After talking to a few mental health counselors, they all asked if I want to be with someone who treats my emotions so poorly. And I don’t know if I do.  But I think he could work on it? We’re still so young and both have things we can improve. I suggested he also seek professional help to work on his empathy and his past. He’s not ready to see a therapist but will start daily meditation. Is there any chance at fixing this? Should I even give him a chance? I thought this guy could be husband material but now I have serious doubts. 

Sincerely,

Hurt and Confused

Dear Ms. Hurt and Confused,

Your boyfriend is trash. You should leave. I really don’t know what other advice I could offer that hasn’t  already been said. I 100% agree with the counselor, you deserve to be with someone who cares about your feelings. He does not. He also is not interested in going to therapy. So what exactly is there to fix? In order to fix a problem in a relationship BOTH people have to first acknowledge that there is a problem and then be willing to resolve it. Sir wants to mediate. So, let him do his daily meditations at his new residence. Maybe then he can meditate on how to talk to people..

I believe that the Lord won’t let his children be fools without warning.  If you stay with him without the requirement of real therapy to address his communication and lack of tack, well…that would be foolish. Honestly,  be happy  all of this transpired BEFORE y’all got married. You now have time to reevaluate and decide if he is someone you want to spend “forever” with.  How can someone be a supportive life partner if they can’t even support you through a 20 lb weight gain? And just for my own curiosity, is your boyfriend lean? Sir better be thin with the perfect fat to muscle ratio and a BMI that would put Billy Banks to shame. If not, you need to remind him that he needs to devote all his time and energy on his own fitness goals and get up out yo face!

2020 was a rough year for all of us. A lot of people gained weight, some more than 20lbs. You are not alone.  You also should feel amazing about your fitness journey thus far.  If you’re losing weight your man can’t hype you up, f— you regularly and make you feel like you’re the baddest bih around, f— him and go find a new man.  I hear Bumble has a lot of great options.