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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com
Dear Ashley,
So–I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. He is an amazing man but sexually, he is terrible. He’s been like this since day one but I’ve been lying to him letting him think it’s good. I recently told him how I felt about our sex life because we have now moved in together and he’s been asking for it more. I was making excuses at first but that only lasts but so long. After I told him, he actually broke up with me but we talked it out and got back together by the end of the day. He’s tried new things but I’m still not pleased. I have never had an orgasm with him. He asked me if it has gotten better and again I lied and said that it did. I couldn’t hurt him anymore.
Well, about two weeks later, my ex hit me up and asked to see me. I’ve known my ex for about 20 years, and we were dating on and off for about 8 years. We’re friends before anything intimate for about 12 years. I went and saw him twice this past weekend and had sex both times. Out of everybody that I’ve been with, he’s the best I’ve ever had and we are just sexually compatible. I’ve been sexting him since and now he’s talking about getting back with me. I’m all over the place right now. My boyfriend is a great guy, just awful in bed. But my ex is mind-blowing in every single way. I need your thoughts!!!
Sincerely, Confused.
Dear Ms. Confused,
As I was reading this, the 90’s song “Liar” by Profyle came to my mind. You might remember it, the lyrics were:
“You’re nothing but a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, heart breaker …”
You have lied, cheated, deceived this man, and will ultimately break his heart. Before we even get into what you should do about your ex, let’s discuss what you’re doing in your current relationship. When your boyfriend asked you had the sex gotten any better, that was not the time to lie. You should have told the truth. How can sex improve if you are not honest about what you don’t enjoy? Also, because I’m curious, when you told him that you have been sexually unsatisfied throughout the entire relationship–which by the way is deception– did you also mention ways he could improve? Sex is a learned activity. In order for it to get better, he would have to know how to improve. Did you tell him that? You can’t just be ready to throw the relationship away when you didn’t even try to fix the issue. Now, I’ll admit I’m quick to tell women to leave relationships that are not sexually satisfying but you didn’t even try. Sir can’t fix the problem if he doesn’t know there is one. He will be heartbroken when he learns you’ve cheated on him. He will be even more devastated when he learns that you keep lying about the sex even after he asked you.
Now to the ex, there are some people we meet in life that just fit sexually—no teaching involved. Your ex sounds like one of those people. However, there’s a reason he is an ex. Let’s not forget whatever that reason is. There are some people who are just good for fucking–and that’s it. They make terrible boyfriends and husbands but are perfect fuck buddies. I said all that to say, don’t mess up a good thing over some good penis that might not even be around in a few months. My honest advice is to talk with your boyfriend, like really talk to him about what you need sexually. Take time exploring different things and in about 90 days reevaluate the sex. If the sex with your boyfriend is still trash, then by all means leave. But if it’s improving even in the slightest way, then I would try to make it work. Sex is about communication. You can’t fix what you don’t communicate.
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
